Tag Archives: emergency medicine


An Idea that Cut Local ED Traffic by 25%!



Mischievous Charge RN Uncovers Unannounced Pregnancies Using Patients with Suspected Shingles

pregtestNurses at DOA Hospital ED are furious with charge nurse and assignment coordinator Liz Leonsis after finding out that she has been purposefully assigning patients with shingles to nurses whom she suspects of being pregnant. Last year, she uncovered at least 6 early pregnancies while before the nurse was comfortable announcing them. It is well known that those who contract the highly contagious disease while pregnant are at risk of severe birth defects, and other complications, and are told to avoid others who may have this disease.

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New “Executive Workup” Option Debuts at Las Vegas ED

The StackLas Vegas, NV – As times have become harder for emergency departments around the country, one local hospital, Snooty Hospital and Casino (SHC), has come up with a solution to capture precious reimbursement from individuals with “enhanced diagnosis and treatment goals.” When checking into the ED either by ambulance or at the front desk, patients now have the ability to initiate what is being described as the “Executive Workup.” This option has led to a 150% increase in profit for SHC and led other hospitals in the area to consider rolling out similar services to keep up with the trend.

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Dick Vitale Stable After Impalement by NCAA Tournament Bracket

Ninja NCAA bracket

Baltimore, MD – Surgeons and Emergency Physicians at Shock Trauma worked through the night to repair 32 penetrating chest and abdominal wounds suffered by ebullient sportscaster and catch phrase enthusiast Dick Vitale, 75, after he was impaled by a masked assailant wielding a metallic, sharpened, 32-point NCAA men’s tournament hemi-bracket. Luckily, the attack appeared to have missed vital organs and doctors are confident he will make a full and complete recovery.

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“Arrow Sign” on Imaging Correlated with Significant Radiologic Findings


Cincinnati, OH – In a new study published in the Radiologic Journal of the Obvious (RJO), the presence of an arrow pointing to an area on a final radiology read has been found to be 100% sensitive for being deemed a “significant radiologic finding.” Decision rules incorporating this so called “arrow sign” has shown immense promise for helping non-radiologists both find imaging abnormalities and simplify extensive descriptions of radiologic diagnoses.

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“Franchise Tag” Now Available to Residencies to Keep One Graduating Resident Per Year Against Their Will

tagTaking an idea from the NFL, residency and medical directors across the country are newly empowered by a recent rule change that will allow them to keep their best talent in-house after they graduate from residency. Starting this July 1, residencies will now be allowed to apply a “franchise tag” to one resident per year upon their graduation which will compel them to remain at their teaching hospital for one more year as an upper level resident.

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Patient Refuses ED Discharge; Admitted to the Hospital AGAINST MEDICAL ADVICE

amaIn the first application of a new “reverse AMA” system put into place to improve patient satisfaction, a patient was admitted to the hospital for the first time against the wishes of her treating ED physician.  Constance Dolor, a 37 year old patient with chronic unexplained pain and a frequent visitor to the emergency department, became the first person in known history to be admitted the hospital against medical advice.

Ms. Dolor presented by EMS for the 5th time in 2 days for “chronic migratory all over pain.” She complained that her pain was incapacitating and nothing made it better except for a Dilaudid PCA, a request which was declined, for management of her pain in the ED. All of her objective tests in the emergency department were negative. However, her pain persisted despite all attempts, short of a PCA, to medicate her in the ED.

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Supreme Court Declares Dilaudid Unconstitutional


Washington, DC – In a split 5-4 decision in the case of ‘These Two Dudes’ vs Purdue Pharmaceuticals, the US Supreme Court surprisingly overturned a lower court ruling and declared unconstitutional the administration, manufacture, and transport of hydromorphone, a.k.a Dilaudid. Experts had previously predicted that the court would uphold the lower court ruling. Writing for the majority, the suspected swing voting justice, Sonia Sotomayor, declared that “the constitution clearly states that potent IV narcotics such as hydromorphone should be given only in cases of severe cancer pain. Prevailing trends in medicine and patient satisfaction have made it such that pretty much anyone can get this drug for almost any pain condition. For the good of the country, this drug must be outlawed and other non-Dilaudid modalities of treating pain should be considered.”

In a minority dissenting opinion, Justice Antonin Scalia wrote, “Americans should have the freedom to receive any medication that doctors have felt to be indicated. Like for chronic back pain. I mean, who could imagine the practice of Medicine without Dilaudid? That sweet, sweet Dilaudid. I must go to the ED and get some right now! Wait, why am I writing this”?

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Bill that Mandates Medicaid Pay Reimbursements in Pennies Passes House


Washington, DC – Passing the House with a bipartisan majority, the so called “Pennies from Heaven” bill stipulates that starting next fiscal year, Medicaid will begin reimbursing medical practitioners using sacks of pennies instead of the former method of sending a check, cash, or direct depositing it into an account. Next week, the Senate will take up the bill and early indications are that the bill will pass, especially after it was attached to “must pass” legislation authorizing funding for Congress’ upcoming beach retreat.

“At a recent hearing about health care reform, I heard a lot about Medicaid reimbursing ‘pennies on the dollar’ for care,” commented bill co-sponsor congressman Hugo Burns (R-TX), “And I kept saying it over and over in my head…’pennies on the dollar…..pennies on the dollar.’ And then it hit me! How about we reimburse medical practitioners using pennies instead of dollars”?

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