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United Executive Thrown Out of Overbooked Emergency Department (satire)

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Chicago, IL – United Airlines Executive, Mr. Oscar T. Grouch, developed chest pain yesterday evening while golfing. At first, he didn’t think much of it. As he became short of breath, and the pain wouldn’t go away, he decided to check into Waverly Place Hospital Emergency Department (ED) to be seen. What happened next, though, has become a media firestorm with no end in sight for the beleaguered local hospital.

He entered through the ED waiting room. The waiting room was filled to the brim with patients seeking care for various maladies from abdominal pain, to chronic back pain, to some guy who accidentally sat naked on a milk bottle and now had a rectal foreign body he needed to be removed. Despite this backlog of patients, Mr. Grouch was promptly triaged and, concerningly, his EKG showed signs of a mild heart attack.

He was then whisked back to the one available ED treatment room and treatment was begun. But, only a few minutes later, things got bizarre:

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Trump Picks ED Frequent Flier for Surgeon General

Citing his “health care experience,” Mr. Horace Beckwith, a chronic back pain patient and so called “drug seeker” with no previous administrative experience, has been chosen as the new surgeon general by the incoming Trump administration.

Mr. Beckwith, 45, has been designated a “frequent flier” by the new American College of Emergency Physicians FFED criteria, suggesting at least 3 ED visits per week for at least a year. In fact, Mr Beckwith almost doubled that in the past year, with over 300 visits to at least 10 different EDs in the Atlanta, GA metropolitan area.

“Mr. Beckwith brings a wealth of experience from being on the front lines of health care day in and day out,” said transition team chairperson, Mr. Mike Pence, citing his daily visits, “No one, not even the doctors, has had more ‘health care exposure’ than Mr. Beckwith. We are confident that he will translate that experience into health care action as we surround ourselves with the best people for Making America Great Again”

Mr. Beckwith could not be reached for comment as he was current researching his new role by checking into triage at Grady Hospital. Sources say, he was demanding IV Dilaudid and a prescription for “extra strength Percs” from his ED doctor for his chronic hip pain.

Hospital Administrator hires Mafia….er.. ”Capitalists” to “Create Business” for Struggling Trauma Service

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Passaic, NJ – Facing record budget shortfalls after years of declining revenues, administrators at newly renamed Medical Achievement Frontiers In America (MAFIA) Hospital in Passaic, NJ recently inked an unusual deal with a “Local Social Entertainment Concern” (LSEC) in an attempt to increase cash flow.

“Despite passage of the Affordable Care Act,” the administration spokesmen explained, “trauma services all over the USA have been burdened by declining reimbursements from insurance companies, increasing uncompensated and charity care, and a general decline in attempted homicides, car accidents, stabbings, and trauma in general. We looked at many ways to make up this revenue and we found that the optimal way to increase our bottom line would be to ‘drive up demand for our trauma services.’ We were subsequently approached by some kind local businessmen with whom we worked out a deal that has become mutually beneficial.”

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ED Chief Resident Traded for Prospects, Picks

In an effort to “go all-in” and achieve a #1 ranking this year in the all-important 3rd year resident in-service exam scores, the University of Maryland Emergency Medicine program pulled off a shocking trade last night just hours before the July 30 9PM EDT trade deadline. Vanderbilt 3rd year Chief Resident Rachel Browning was sent packing to Maryland in exchange for two promising interns, Chelsea Smith and Graham Berry, and 4th and 8th round picks in the 2016 Match.

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Hospital System to Sell Advertising During Patient Encounters

advertAlbuquerque, NM – Taking a cue from the NFL and other money-hungry sports institutions, AT&T Hospital Systems in Albuquerque, NM has debuted a new system that allows outside companies to advertise during all stages of the patient encounter. To maximize revenue, they have even taken the step of broadcasting the encounter on local radio, in a HIPAA-compliant fashion, of course. After years of budget cuts, pennies on the dollar reimbursement by Medicaid, and after suffering the negative financial effects of other penurious payors, the influx of advertising dollars has been a welcome windfall for this cash-strapped institution.

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ED Group to Docs: Admit All Unhappy Patients to Avoid Low Press-Ganey Scores

shoutBeset by declining compensation resulting from low Press-Ganey scores, an ED group in Lincoln, Nebraska, Emergency Medical Entrepreneurs (EME) has hit upon an unlikely solution to their patient satisfaction conundrum and, in turn, raised their scores by a whopping 150%. The solution is quite simple and relates to an unusual loophole in the Press-Ganey survey system given to patients to elicit their opinion of the quality of care received.

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“Preventative Medicine is a Hoax,” Says Healthy, Chain-Smoking Grandma

grandmaCharleston, WV – Mildred Singleton, a completely healthy 91-year-old chain-smoking grandmother of eight, is being hailed as proof that preventative medicine is a hoax. Mrs. Singleton has smoked 2-3 packs a day of cigarettes and cigars since age 15, drinks 3-5 shots of whiskey a day, doesn’t exercise, and for her whole life she has eaten whatever she wants, whenever she wants. Despite engaging in these behaviors that modern medicine has deemed unhealthy, Mrs. Singleton is still going strong at her age, is taking no medication, and has absolutely no known medical problems to speak of.

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Serial Domestic Abuser Floyd Mayweather KO’s Girlfriend in Saturday Afternoon Unscheduled Bout

Who is Floyd Mayweather's Girlfriend? Meet Doralie Medina!Professional boxer, high-life scumbag, and currently the world’s highest paid professional athlete, Mr. Floyd Joe Sinclair, aka Floyd Mayweather, Jr, was victorious Saturday, May 2, in a major bout against a hapless opponent. While another fight later that day against a veteran trained male boxer may have garnered more media hype, the “Rumble in the Kitchen” battle between Mr. Mayweather and his girlfriend, Ms. Doralie Medina, was a spectacular display of Mr. Mayweather’s unorthodox fighting style when matched up against a lesser opponent. In truth, this battle had been foretold for years based on past similar “victories” over other overmatched female opponents.

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Mischievous Charge RN Uncovers Unannounced Pregnancies Using Patients with Suspected Shingles

pregtestNurses at DOA Hospital ED are furious with charge nurse and assignment coordinator Liz Leonsis after finding out that she has been purposefully assigning patients with shingles to nurses whom she suspects of being pregnant. Last year, she uncovered at least 6 early pregnancies while before the nurse was comfortable announcing them. It is well known that those who contract the highly contagious disease while pregnant are at risk of severe birth defects, and other complications, and are told to avoid others who may have this disease.

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President Obama’s New Policy Announcement: “No Vaccines=No Narcotics”

obamavaxWashington, DC – President Obama, in a fighting mood after his popular “Luther” sketch at the White House Correspondents Dinner, gave a confrontational speech at the East Room earlier today placing a brand new target in his crosshairs: anti-vaxxers. In the speech, Obama announced a new government policy, which is designed to be simple and direct. The new policy: No Vaccines=No Narcotics.

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