Category Archives: top

President Obama’s New Policy Announcement: “No Vaccines=No Narcotics”

obamavaxWashington, DC – President Obama, in a fighting mood after his popular “Luther” sketch at the White House Correspondents Dinner, gave a confrontational speech at the East Room earlier today placing a brand new target in his crosshairs: anti-vaxxers. In the speech, Obama announced a new government policy, which is designed to be simple and direct. The new policy: No Vaccines=No Narcotics.

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Dr. Oz: Use tPa for All Neurologic Complaints, Not Just Stroke

DrozWell-known cardiothoracic surgeon-turned-know-it-all, Dr. Mehmet Oz, announced on his show today that Tissue Plasminogen Activator (tPa) should now be used for ANY AND ALL neurologic complaints. Previously, tPa was indicated only for patients with suspected acute ischemic stroke presenting within 3 hours without certain contraindications, such as bleeding in the brain, high blood pressure, etc. Some studies previously indicated it could be used at 4.5 hours in certain subgroups as well.

“tPa needs to be YOUR body’s ‘clot cleanser’,” exclaimed an ebullient Dr. Oz, “This amazing ‘brain booster’ flushes your brain of blockages and toxins. Using this tonic when you feel any neurologic symptoms at all will help you maintain 100% of the cerebral blood flow YOU need. I heartily endorse this product”!

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Citing Indiana Law, Physician Refuses to Treat Patients Complaining of Chronic Back Pain

Recently, the “Religious Freedom Restoration Act” was passed in Indiana permitting professionals to deny service to potential customers under the guise of religious freedom. Citing this new law, “deeply religious” Emergency Physician, Dr. Joseph Grubauer, of Indianapolis, IN, has concluded that treating patients with chronic back pain violates his religious beliefs.

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Hospital Hires Jedi to Convince Patients they are No Longer Suicidal

Jackson, MS – Facing a critical shortage of psychiatric beds with patients frequently waiting for days in the ED for psych disposition, the administration of ODB Hospital Systems in Jackson, MS recently traveled  “outside the galaxy” for a solution to their ED’s psychiatric boarding issues. The unorthodox solution they discovered seemingly has the potential to completely eliminate this long-standing problem.

“On a recent trip to visit the Dagobah Hospital System,” remarked ODB Hospital CEO Russell Jones, “I encountered a man, simply named ‘O’Brien,’ who fashioned himself something called a ‘Jedi.’ We ended up chatting for a while and, eventually, we started talking about my hospital’s ED boarding problems. He was quite interested in a job and he quickly convinced me he was a perfect fit for our needs, especially after he waved his hand across my face and mumbled something like ‘I am the solution you are looking for.’”

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“Patient-Centered Triage” Concept Allows Unhappy ED Patients to Choose the Order in Which They are Seen

Houston, TX – At DOA Hospital in Houston, a new “patient-centered triage” form has been made available to any patient or companion complaining about their or their loved one’s ED wait times. This option has elated some patient advocates who have championed the cause for years in the setting of increasing average ED wait times that they blame solely on lazy nurses and doctors.  Hospital administrators have likewise been enthusiastic about the concept, as it has contributed to markedly improved patient satisfaction scores at DOA’s overburdened ED, even as it has led to worse clinical outcomes.

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“Arrow Sign” on Imaging Correlated with Significant Radiologic Findings

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Cincinnati, OH – In a new study published in the Radiologic Journal of the Obvious (RJO), the presence of an arrow pointing to an area on a final radiology read has been found to be 100% sensitive for being deemed a “significant radiologic finding.” Decision rules incorporating this so called “arrow sign” has shown immense promise for helping non-radiologists both find imaging abnormalities and simplify extensive descriptions of radiologic diagnoses.

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“Franchise Tag” Now Available to Residencies to Keep One Graduating Resident Per Year Against Their Will

tagTaking an idea from the NFL, residency and medical directors across the country are newly empowered by a recent rule change that will allow them to keep their best talent in-house after they graduate from residency. Starting this July 1, residencies will now be allowed to apply a “franchise tag” to one resident per year upon their graduation which will compel them to remain at their teaching hospital for one more year as an upper level resident.

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Patient Refuses ED Discharge; Admitted to the Hospital AGAINST MEDICAL ADVICE

amaIn the first application of a new “reverse AMA” system put into place to improve patient satisfaction, a patient was admitted to the hospital for the first time against the wishes of her treating ED physician.  Constance Dolor, a 37 year old patient with chronic unexplained pain and a frequent visitor to the emergency department, became the first person in known history to be admitted the hospital against medical advice.

Ms. Dolor presented by EMS for the 5th time in 2 days for “chronic migratory all over pain.” She complained that her pain was incapacitating and nothing made it better except for a Dilaudid PCA, a request which was declined, for management of her pain in the ED. All of her objective tests in the emergency department were negative. However, her pain persisted despite all attempts, short of a PCA, to medicate her in the ED.

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2nd Year Medicine Resident to Skip 3rd Year; to “Go Pro” as an Attending

signingdayDr. Jaime Rodgers, a highly-regarded 2nd year internal medicine resident at University of Texas-Southwest (UTSW) Medical Center, has announced plans to forgo his third and final year of residency to “go pro” as an attending. After meeting with his family, his faculty advisor, and his residency director, Dr. Rodgers announced at a press conference, televised on public access television, that he will accept a contract with Southern Medical Group (SMG) as an internist starting in July. He then proceeded to sign the contract in front of the cameras.

“I have talked to my family, prayed long and hard, and I believe it is time to take my talents to SMG and see what I am capable of,” Dr. Rodgers stated, as he took a hat with SMG’s logo on it out from under the table and put it on his head.

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