Category Archives: satire

Hospital System to Sell Advertising During Patient Encounters

advertAlbuquerque, NM – Taking a cue from the NFL and other money-hungry sports institutions, AT&T Hospital Systems in Albuquerque, NM has debuted a new system that allows outside companies to advertise during all stages of the patient encounter. To maximize revenue, they have even taken the step of broadcasting the encounter on local radio, in a HIPAA-compliant fashion, of course. After years of budget cuts, pennies on the dollar reimbursement by Medicaid, and after suffering the negative financial effects of other penurious payors, the influx of advertising dollars has been a welcome windfall for this cash-strapped institution.

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“Preventative Medicine is a Hoax,” Says Healthy, Chain-Smoking Grandma

grandmaCharleston, WV – Mildred Singleton, a completely healthy 91-year-old chain-smoking grandmother of eight, is being hailed as proof that preventative medicine is a hoax. Mrs. Singleton has smoked 2-3 packs a day of cigarettes and cigars since age 15, drinks 3-5 shots of whiskey a day, doesn’t exercise, and for her whole life she has eaten whatever she wants, whenever she wants. Despite engaging in these behaviors that modern medicine has deemed unhealthy, Mrs. Singleton is still going strong at her age, is taking no medication, and has absolutely no known medical problems to speak of.

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Serial Domestic Abuser Floyd Mayweather KO’s Girlfriend in Saturday Afternoon Unscheduled Bout

Who is Floyd Mayweather's Girlfriend? Meet Doralie Medina!Professional boxer, high-life scumbag, and currently the world’s highest paid professional athlete, Mr. Floyd Joe Sinclair, aka Floyd Mayweather, Jr, was victorious Saturday, May 2, in a major bout against a hapless opponent. While another fight later that day against a veteran trained male boxer may have garnered more media hype, the “Rumble in the Kitchen” battle between Mr. Mayweather and his girlfriend, Ms. Doralie Medina, was a spectacular display of Mr. Mayweather’s unorthodox fighting style when matched up against a lesser opponent. In truth, this battle had been foretold for years based on past similar “victories” over other overmatched female opponents.

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The Periodic Table of Pain Meds (image)

Periodic Table of Pain Meds

Periodic Table of Pain Meds

Respect the Chemistry!

Periodic Table of Pain Meds (PDF)

Mischievous Charge RN Uncovers Unannounced Pregnancies Using Patients with Suspected Shingles

pregtestNurses at DOA Hospital ED are furious with charge nurse and assignment coordinator Liz Leonsis after finding out that she has been purposefully assigning patients with shingles to nurses whom she suspects of being pregnant. Last year, she uncovered at least 6 early pregnancies while before the nurse was comfortable announcing them. It is well known that those who contract the highly contagious disease while pregnant are at risk of severe birth defects, and other complications, and are told to avoid others who may have this disease.

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I guess this doesn’t apply if you have already been vaccinated……..

President Obama’s New Policy Announcement: “No Vaccines=No Narcotics”

obamavaxWashington, DC – President Obama, in a fighting mood after his popular “Luther” sketch at the White House Correspondents Dinner, gave a confrontational speech at the East Room earlier today placing a brand new target in his crosshairs: anti-vaxxers. In the speech, Obama announced a new government policy, which is designed to be simple and direct. The new policy: No Vaccines=No Narcotics.

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Six Guidelines on How to Interpret Scientific Information…From the Viewpoint of an Anti-Vaxxer

vaxThe “Immunizations Must Be Evil Considering I Loathe Evidence” study group, aka IMBECILE, a mouthpiece for the anti-vaccination movement, has debuted a new set of guidelines meant to help consumers better categorize and understand the growing body of information available regarding the safety, or lack thereof, of vaccines.

“One of the major hurdles holding back our movement has been the lack of a standardized way for concerned parents to interpret the vast amounts of information available on the topic,” commented anti-vaccine champion and IMBECILE spokesman, Dr. Andrew Wakefield, “We looked at all forms of information categorization out here for this topic and we noticed that when other societies release their guidelines, they typically include a table outlining the quality of their evidence. Frequently, they will use categories like level 1a, level 2b recommendations, etc. In response, we have released our own guidelines on how to interpret information that mirror this format.”

IMBECILE’s recommendations are as follows. Reminder: Information quality degrades progressively as you go from level A to level F:

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WebMD Kiosk Helps Nearby Urgent Care Double its Volume through Influx of Worried Well

webmdkioskPhoenix, AZ – WebMD, an internet-based medical lexicon, recently expanded into the online kiosk business, opened up a station in a suburban mall in Tempe, AZ, with three prototype stand-alone computers running its website. The intention was to advertise its service to potential customers for its upcoming paid subscription service. However, in a manifestation of the law of unintended consequences, an adjacent urgent care, run by Simians Urgent Care, discovered that their volume immediately doubled thanks to the run of worried well that came knocking on their doors.

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Family Feud…..Drug Seekers Edition (image)

Family Feud.....Drug Seekers Edition (image)

Family Feud…..Drug Seekers Edition (image)

Family Feud…..Drug Seekers Edition (PDF)