Albuquerque, NM – Taking a cue from the NFL and other money-hungry sports institutions, AT&T Hospital Systems in Albuquerque, NM has debuted a new system that allows outside companies to advertise during all stages of the patient encounter. To maximize revenue, they have even taken the step of broadcasting the encounter on local radio, in a HIPAA-compliant fashion, of course. After years of budget cuts, pennies on the dollar reimbursement by Medicaid, and after suffering the negative financial effects of other penurious payors, the influx of advertising dollars has been a welcome windfall for this cash-strapped institution.
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Beset by declining compensation resulting from low Press-Ganey scores, an ED group in Lincoln, Nebraska, Emergency Medical Entrepreneurs (EME) has hit upon an unlikely solution to their patient satisfaction conundrum and, in turn, raised their scores by a whopping 150%. The solution is quite simple and relates to an unusual loophole in the Press-Ganey survey system given to patients to elicit their opinion of the quality of care received.
Charleston, WV – Mildred Singleton, a completely healthy 91-year-old chain-smoking grandmother of eight, is being hailed as proof that preventative medicine is a hoax. Mrs. Singleton has smoked 2-3 packs a day of cigarettes and cigars since age 15, drinks 3-5 shots of whiskey a day, doesn’t exercise, and for her whole life she has eaten whatever she wants, whenever she wants. Despite engaging in these behaviors that modern medicine has deemed unhealthy, Mrs. Singleton is still going strong at her age, is taking no medication, and has absolutely no known medical problems to speak of.
Professional boxer, high-life scumbag, and currently the world’s highest paid professional athlete, Mr. Floyd Joe Sinclair, aka Floyd Mayweather, Jr, was victorious Saturday, May 2, in a major bout against a hapless opponent. While another fight later that day against a veteran trained male boxer may have garnered more media hype, the “Rumble in the Kitchen” battle between Mr. Mayweather and his girlfriend, Ms. Doralie Medina, was a spectacular display of Mr. Mayweather’s unorthodox fighting style when matched up against a lesser opponent. In truth, this battle had been foretold for years based on past similar “victories” over other overmatched female opponents.
Periodic Table of Pain Meds
Respect the Chemistry!
Periodic Table of Pain Meds (PDF)
Washington, DC – President Obama, in a fighting mood after his popular “Luther” sketch at the White House Correspondents Dinner, gave a confrontational speech at the East Room earlier today placing a brand new target in his crosshairs: anti-vaxxers. In the speech, Obama announced a new government policy, which is designed to be simple and direct. The new policy: No Vaccines=No Narcotics.