In an effort to “go all-in” and achieve a #1 ranking this year in the all-important 3rd year resident in-service exam scores, the University of Maryland Emergency Medicine program pulled off a shocking trade last night just hours before the July 30 9PM EDT trade deadline. Vanderbilt 3rd year Chief Resident Rachel Browning was sent packing to Maryland in exchange for two promising interns, Chelsea Smith and Graham Berry, and 4th and 8th round picks in the 2016 Match.
Albuquerque, NM – Taking a cue from the NFL and other money-hungry sports institutions, AT&T Hospital Systems in Albuquerque, NM has debuted a new system that allows outside companies to advertise during all stages of the patient encounter. To maximize revenue, they have even taken the step of broadcasting the encounter on local radio, in a HIPAA-compliant fashion, of course. After years of budget cuts, pennies on the dollar reimbursement by Medicaid, and after suffering the negative financial effects of other penurious payors, the influx of advertising dollars has been a welcome windfall for this cash-strapped institution.
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Beset by declining compensation resulting from low Press-Ganey scores, an ED group in Lincoln, Nebraska, Emergency Medical Entrepreneurs (EME) has hit upon an unlikely solution to their patient satisfaction conundrum and, in turn, raised their scores by a whopping 150%. The solution is quite simple and relates to an unusual loophole in the Press-Ganey survey system given to patients to elicit their opinion of the quality of care received.
Charleston, WV – Mildred Singleton, a completely healthy 91-year-old chain-smoking grandmother of eight, is being hailed as proof that preventative medicine is a hoax. Mrs. Singleton has smoked 2-3 packs a day of cigarettes and cigars since age 15, drinks 3-5 shots of whiskey a day, doesn’t exercise, and for her whole life she has eaten whatever she wants, whenever she wants. Despite engaging in these behaviors that modern medicine has deemed unhealthy, Mrs. Singleton is still going strong at her age, is taking no medication, and has absolutely no known medical problems to speak of.
Periodic Table of Pain Meds
Respect the Chemistry!
Periodic Table of Pain Meds (PDF)
Nurses at DOA Hospital ED are furious with charge nurse and assignment coordinator Liz Leonsis after finding out that she has been purposefully assigning patients with shingles to nurses whom she suspects of being pregnant. Last year, she uncovered at least 6 early pregnancies while before the nurse was comfortable announcing them. It is well known that those who contract the highly contagious disease while pregnant are at risk of severe birth defects, and other complications, and are told to avoid others who may have this disease.
GET VACCINATED NOW
I guess this doesn’t apply if you have already been vaccinated……..
Washington, DC – President Obama, in a fighting mood after his popular “Luther” sketch at the White House Correspondents Dinner, gave a confrontational speech at the East Room earlier today placing a brand new target in his crosshairs: anti-vaxxers. In the speech, Obama announced a new government policy, which is designed to be simple and direct. The new policy: No Vaccines=No Narcotics.
The “Immunizations Must Be Evil Considering I Loathe Evidence” study group, aka IMBECILE, a mouthpiece for the anti-vaccination movement, has debuted a new set of guidelines meant to help consumers better categorize and understand the growing body of information available regarding the safety, or lack thereof, of vaccines.
“One of the major hurdles holding back our movement has been the lack of a standardized way for concerned parents to interpret the vast amounts of information available on the topic,” commented anti-vaccine champion and IMBECILE spokesman, Dr. Andrew Wakefield, “We looked at all forms of information categorization out here for this topic and we noticed that when other societies release their guidelines, they typically include a table outlining the quality of their evidence. Frequently, they will use categories like level 1a, level 2b recommendations, etc. In response, we have released our own guidelines on how to interpret information that mirror this format.”
IMBECILE’s recommendations are as follows. Reminder: Information quality degrades progressively as you go from level A to level F: