Houston, TX – At DOA Hospital in Houston, a new “patient-centered triage” form has been made available to any patient or companion complaining about their or their loved one’s ED wait times. This option has elated some patient advocates who have championed the cause for years in the setting of increasing average ED wait times that they blame solely on lazy nurses and doctors. Hospital administrators have likewise been enthusiastic about the concept, as it has contributed to markedly improved patient satisfaction scores at DOA’s overburdened ED, even as it has led to worse clinical outcomes.
Posted in article, humor, march15, medical satire, satire, top
Tagged article, difficult patient, dilaudid, forms, medical humor, medical satire, satire
The National Residency Matching Program (NRMP) has announced a partnership with Match.com to connect personally compatible medical students together in the match process. Unbeknownst to some, however, a trial run of the program actually recently took place for the current match. Early indications are that the program will be quite controversial.
A spokesperson for the NRMP defended the new program in the following statement, “Too often we have seen residents match at the program of their dreams only to be personally unfulfilled by working alongside other physicians with incompatible personalities. We feel this new algorithm will set our trainees up for both personal and professional success.”
Cincinnati, OH – In a new study published in the Radiologic Journal of the Obvious (RJO), the presence of an arrow pointing to an area on a final radiology read has been found to be 100% sensitive for being deemed a “significant radiologic finding.” Decision rules incorporating this so called “arrow sign” has shown immense promise for helping non-radiologists both find imaging abnormalities and simplify extensive descriptions of radiologic diagnoses.
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Tagged emergency medicine, humor, march15, radiology, satire
Taking an idea from the NFL, residency and medical directors across the country are newly empowered by a recent rule change that will allow them to keep their best talent in-house after they graduate from residency. Starting this July 1, residencies will now be allowed to apply a “franchise tag” to one resident per year upon their graduation which will compel them to remain at their teaching hospital for one more year as an upper level resident.
In the first application of a new “reverse AMA” system put into place to improve patient satisfaction, a patient was admitted to the hospital for the first time against the wishes of her treating ED physician. Constance Dolor, a 37 year old patient with chronic unexplained pain and a frequent visitor to the emergency department, became the first person in known history to be admitted the hospital against medical advice.
Ms. Dolor presented by EMS for the 5th time in 2 days for “chronic migratory all over pain.” She complained that her pain was incapacitating and nothing made it better except for a Dilaudid PCA, a request which was declined, for management of her pain in the ED. All of her objective tests in the emergency department were negative. However, her pain persisted despite all attempts, short of a PCA, to medicate her in the ED.
Washington, DC – In a split 5-4 decision in the case of ‘These Two Dudes’ vs Purdue Pharmaceuticals, the US Supreme Court surprisingly overturned a lower court ruling and declared unconstitutional the administration, manufacture, and transport of hydromorphone, a.k.a Dilaudid. Experts had previously predicted that the court would uphold the lower court ruling. Writing for the majority, the suspected swing voting justice, Sonia Sotomayor, declared that “the constitution clearly states that potent IV narcotics such as hydromorphone should be given only in cases of severe cancer pain. Prevailing trends in medicine and patient satisfaction have made it such that pretty much anyone can get this drug for almost any pain condition. For the good of the country, this drug must be outlawed and other non-Dilaudid modalities of treating pain should be considered.”
In a minority dissenting opinion, Justice Antonin Scalia wrote, “Americans should have the freedom to receive any medication that doctors have felt to be indicated. Like for chronic back pain. I mean, who could imagine the practice of Medicine without Dilaudid? That sweet, sweet Dilaudid. I must go to the ED and get some right now! Wait, why am I writing this”?