Category Archives: march15-2

Sickly Man Stops Meds to Spite his PCP; Admitted to ICU in Critical Condition

7grandpa4 year old Jerry Kilgarten, a long term sufferer from COPD, CAD, CHF, DM, HTN, and other chronic disease acronyms, recently had a falling out with his primary care doctor. On a recent visit to his primary care doctor, Internist Dr. Alphonso Raine, he experienced what he described as a “travesty of service.” For starters, Mr. Kilgarten had to wait 30 minutes after his scheduled appointment before being brought back and another 30 minutes to be seen! 60 minutes late….this was an outrage! After his consultation with the physician, where he grudgingly admitted excellent care was provided, he was not offered enough free samples of his hypertension medication to last a whole month, as apparently their supply was low that day. Then he walked outside to get his car and he was ticketed for parking in the wrong space! After all of these perceived injustices, Jerry vowed to achieve vengeance in the only way he knew how: by passive-aggressively ignoring the totality of his doctor’s advice. “That will teach him and his staff,” he thought, “they will be sorry they messed with me.”

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New “Executive Workup” Option Debuts at Las Vegas ED

The StackLas Vegas, NV – As times have become harder for emergency departments around the country, one local hospital, Snooty Hospital and Casino (SHC), has come up with a solution to capture precious reimbursement from individuals with “enhanced diagnosis and treatment goals.” When checking into the ED either by ambulance or at the front desk, patients now have the ability to initiate what is being described as the “Executive Workup.” This option has led to a 150% increase in profit for SHC and led other hospitals in the area to consider rolling out similar services to keep up with the trend.

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Hospital Hires Jedi to Convince Patients they are No Longer Suicidal

Jackson, MS – Facing a critical shortage of psychiatric beds with patients frequently waiting for days in the ED for psych disposition, the administration of ODB Hospital Systems in Jackson, MS recently traveled  “outside the galaxy” for a solution to their ED’s psychiatric boarding issues. The unorthodox solution they discovered seemingly has the potential to completely eliminate this long-standing problem.

“On a recent trip to visit the Dagobah Hospital System,” remarked ODB Hospital CEO Russell Jones, “I encountered a man, simply named ‘O’Brien,’ who fashioned himself something called a ‘Jedi.’ We ended up chatting for a while and, eventually, we started talking about my hospital’s ED boarding problems. He was quite interested in a job and he quickly convinced me he was a perfect fit for our needs, especially after he waved his hand across my face and mumbled something like ‘I am the solution you are looking for.’”

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After 400th CT scan, Patient Develops Radiation-Induced Superpowers; “CT-Seekers” Now Clogging Local EDs

pyroLouisville, KY – Hortense Lewis, a 32-year old chronic, idiopathic, chest and abdominal pain patient, recently presented to a local ED by EMS for her 637th ED visit in the past 5 years. Complaining of severe pain and wanting an explanation, Ms. Lewis was subjected to a battery of tests which included a CT of the chest and abdomen. To the muted surprise of her ED care team, the workup once again failed to show a cause of her pain and she was discharged. Notably, these CTs were her 399th and 400th in her lifetime, split between numerous hospital systems.

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Dick Vitale Stable After Impalement by NCAA Tournament Bracket

Ninja NCAA bracket

Baltimore, MD – Surgeons and Emergency Physicians at Shock Trauma worked through the night to repair 32 penetrating chest and abdominal wounds suffered by ebullient sportscaster and catch phrase enthusiast Dick Vitale, 75, after he was impaled by a masked assailant wielding a metallic, sharpened, 32-point NCAA men’s tournament hemi-bracket. Luckily, the attack appeared to have missed vital organs and doctors are confident he will make a full and complete recovery.

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Children’s ED Albuterol Steam Room

A picture that doesn’t require an article:

Children's ED Albuterol Steam Room

Children’s ED Albuterol Steam Room