Calvin Broadus, Jr, aka Snoop Dogg, has officially announced plans to sign an endorsement and promotional deal with the Joint Commission (JC) set to begin on April 20. Snoop Dogg has agreed to appear in television, print, web, and billboard advertisements promoting the organization in exchange for hefty compensation, the manner of which is to be determined.
“This deal is in da hizzouse,” commented Mr. Dogg, “I be all UP in dat shizznit. When I heard that there was sumthin’ called the ‘Joint Commission’ I was SO there”!
Chicago, IL – United Airlines Executive, Mr. Oscar T. Grouch, developed chest pain yesterday evening while golfing. At first, he didn’t think much of it. As he became short of breath, and the pain wouldn’t go away, he decided to check into Waverly Place Hospital Emergency Department (ED) to be seen. What happened next, though, has become a media firestorm with no end in sight for the beleaguered local hospital.
He entered through the ED waiting room. The waiting room was filled to the brim with patients seeking care for various maladies from abdominal pain, to chronic back pain, to some guy who accidentally sat naked on a milk bottle and now had a rectal foreign body he needed to be removed. Despite this backlog of patients, Mr. Grouch was promptly triaged and, concerningly, his EKG showed signs of a mild heart attack.
He was then whisked back to the one available ED treatment room and treatment was begun. But, only a few minutes later, things got bizarre:
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Having recently acquainted himself with the functionality of wiretaps, President Donald Trump signed an executive order today to direct the CIA, with assistance from the FBI, NSA, and other members of the intelligence community, to begin wiretapping and providing additional surveillance of a new group of Americans felt to pose a threat in some way: paranoid schizophrenics.
The EO authorizes a number of “surveillance measures” for these individuals in addition to wiretapping their phones. Agents will be apparently allowed to follow their targets around using tinted Range Rovers and silent black helicopters. “Surveillance” will also include altering events around the target to make them believe they have some sort of super or “God-like” powers.
President Elect Donald Trump’s transition team announced today that he was nominating Cleveland Clinic’s Dr. Daniel Neides to head the US Department of Wellness (formerly Department of Health and Human Services). Dr. Neides comes from Cleveland Clinic where he is the current medical director and COO of the Cleveland Clinic’s wellness institute.
“We are excited to announce Dr. Neides’ appointment to head our Department of Wellness.” Stated President Trump’s transition team in a press release, “We strive to provide America with the most up to date medical care, and Dr. Neides’ views are so ‘up to date’ that no other physician with any level of expertise has yet evolved into believing them. That makes him the perfect choice to join Rick Perry, Ben Carson, and others with similar ‘up to date’ views of policy in their areas where we have assigned them to have expertise.”
Citing his “health care experience,” Mr. Horace Beckwith, a chronic back pain patient and so called “drug seeker” with no previous administrative experience, has been chosen as the new surgeon general by the incoming Trump administration.
Mr. Beckwith, 45, has been designated a “frequent flier” by the new American College of Emergency Physicians FFED criteria, suggesting at least 3 ED visits per week for at least a year. In fact, Mr Beckwith almost doubled that in the past year, with over 300 visits to at least 10 different EDs in the Atlanta, GA metropolitan area.
“Mr. Beckwith brings a wealth of experience from being on the front lines of health care day in and day out,” said transition team chairperson, Mr. Mike Pence, citing his daily visits, “No one, not even the doctors, has had more ‘health care exposure’ than Mr. Beckwith. We are confident that he will translate that experience into health care action as we surround ourselves with the best people for Making America Great Again”
Mr. Beckwith could not be reached for comment as he was current researching his new role by checking into triage at Grady Hospital. Sources say, he was demanding IV Dilaudid and a prescription for “extra strength Percs” from his ED doctor for his chronic hip pain.
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Passaic, NJ – Facing record budget shortfalls after years of declining revenues, administrators at newly renamed Medical Achievement Frontiers In America (MAFIA) Hospital in Passaic, NJ recently inked an unusual deal with a “Local Social Entertainment Concern” (LSEC) in an attempt to increase cash flow.
“Despite passage of the Affordable Care Act,” the administration spokesmen explained, “trauma services all over the USA have been burdened by declining reimbursements from insurance companies, increasing uncompensated and charity care, and a general decline in attempted homicides, car accidents, stabbings, and trauma in general. We looked at many ways to make up this revenue and we found that the optimal way to increase our bottom line would be to ‘drive up demand for our trauma services.’ We were subsequently approached by some kind local businessmen with whom we worked out a deal that has become mutually beneficial.”
In an effort to “go all-in” and achieve a #1 ranking this year in the all-important 3rd year resident in-service exam scores, the University of Maryland Emergency Medicine program pulled off a shocking trade last night just hours before the July 30 9PM EDT trade deadline. Vanderbilt 3rd year Chief Resident Rachel Browning was sent packing to Maryland in exchange for two promising interns, Chelsea Smith and Graham Berry, and 4th and 8th round picks in the 2016 Match.
Albuquerque, NM – Taking a cue from the NFL and other money-hungry sports institutions, AT&T Hospital Systems in Albuquerque, NM has debuted a new system that allows outside companies to advertise during all stages of the patient encounter. To maximize revenue, they have even taken the step of broadcasting the encounter on local radio, in a HIPAA-compliant fashion, of course. After years of budget cuts, pennies on the dollar reimbursement by Medicaid, and after suffering the negative financial effects of other penurious payors, the influx of advertising dollars has been a welcome windfall for this cash-strapped institution.
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Professional boxer, high-life scumbag, and currently the world’s highest paid professional athlete, Mr. Floyd Joe Sinclair, aka Floyd Mayweather, Jr, was victorious Saturday, May 2, in a major bout against a hapless opponent. While another fight later that day against a veteran trained male boxer may have garnered more media hype, the “Rumble in the Kitchen” battle between Mr. Mayweather and his girlfriend, Ms. Doralie Medina, was a spectacular display of Mr. Mayweather’s unorthodox fighting style when matched up against a lesser opponent. In truth, this battle had been foretold for years based on past similar “victories” over other overmatched female opponents.