New Show to Debut on Lawyer Who Helps Drug Seekers Get Their Meds

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Los Angeles, CA – As “Better Call Saul” has debuted to excellent ratings on AMC, the sleazy lawyer drama genre has started booming. One similar show, recently developed by the Discovery Channel, has been fast tracked and is scheduled to debut this Sunday.

“Gotta Page Dave” follows the story of recent law school graduate, Edgar “Dave” Solomon, who makes a living representing drug seeking clients while trying get their medications at local Emergency Departments (EDs). Early screenings for critics have been very positive. A transcript from the first episode is below:

[narrative] Lucinda “Lucy” Beakers, 48, has fibromyalgia and super-morbid obesity that has landed her on disability. She lives in chronic, incapacitating all-over pain. She claims that the only thing that helps her is IV Dilaudid. She had been through the charade of going to PCPs, pain clinics, Holistic healers, etc and no one seems to understand her pain except ED physicians who give her Dilaudid. However, recently, the local ED stopped her giving any narcotic medication. One day, she hired to Dave to represent her interests when she went to this small, single-coverage ED for the 7th time in same day trying to get pain meds.

Dr. Smith: I see that you are back again for….let me see…..”all over pain.” Tell me a little bit about what has changed since the last 6 times you were here today?

Lucy: Well, I, um, have come today to get my medication. And I’d like to introduce my new lawyer, Mr Dave Solomon, who for now on will be representing my interests.

Dr. Smith: [looking confused] “Um, what? Who”?

Dave: [stepping out of the corner of the room] “Let me explain something to you, good sir. Ms. Beakers is in awful pain day in and day out. The last several times she was here, she was treated with such disrespect and was given none of her usual pain medication she deserves. We all know that all her body requires is just 3 doses of 1mg of Dilaudid, with 25mg of IV Benadryl for each injection so she doesn’t get itchy, some Phenergan 12.5mg IV, along with a turkey sandwich, 3 ginger ales, and a script for 100 Percocets with 3 refills.”

Dr. Smith: “Well, you’re not a doctor. You can’t tell me what this patient needs.”

Dave: “I thought you’d say that. Well, here’s the thing, there are ways that would, shall I say, educate you to see things from her perspective. For instance, right now my computer is open to several public doctor-grading websites. It would be a shame for your name to be dragged through the mud on all of these forums with negative feedback. Furthermore, 7 ED visits…..whew! That’s a good chance she’ll receive several Press-Ganey surveys! I have a pre-filled out one for you right now. Given that your salary is mostly tied to patient satisfaction, that would be quite the kick to the ‘ol wallet, don’t you say”?

Dr. Smith: “That sounds like extortion.”

Dave: “Such an awful word. I’d like to think of it as, ‘a negotiation.’ I see your name is Mortimer Smith. Can I call you Morty?”

Dr. Smith: “No.”

Dave: “See, Morty, If my client were denied her ‘life saving medication’ I foresee other problems that may arise. As it turns out, your receptionist, Mandy, and I had a chat this morning. She happened to share with me the physician schedule for the next 3 months and it just so happens that Ms. Beakers flares of pain seem to coincide exactly to when your shifts are scheduled. That’s amazing! You know that sometimes she may have multiple flares during those specific 12-hour periods! Of course, if she were properly medicated, maybe she wouldn’t have to come so often……”

Dr. Smith: “This is madness! I will not stand for this. I’m going to report you to the police”!

Dave: “I’m not sure I would do that either, Morty. You see, there’s a young female client of mine who you saw earlier today. She had a negative workup, obviously, but, you see, she’s considering going to talk with patient relations after the visit and have a long discussion with your patient relations coordinator about some ‘issues’ with the care you gave. Like how you got a little, we’ll call it, ‘touchy-feely’ when you were ‘down there.’ She’ll probably head over to her day job after that, at the local police station. I foresee an investigation, suspension, public humiliation….you get the idea.”

Dr. Smith: “How dare you”!

Dave: “Yeah, well, here’s the skinny, Morty. Give my client what she wants or things will get difficult for you.”

Dr. Smith: [thinking] “Fine, here’s your Dilaudid, Benadryl, Pheneran, Turkey sandwich, work excuse, scripts for Percocet, and thank you for being such nice customers.”

“Gotta Page Dave” debuts on the Discovery Channel this Sunday at 9PM.

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