Trump Orders CIA Wiretaps on Paranoid Schizophrenics (satire)


Having recently acquainted himself with the functionality of wiretaps, President Donald Trump signed an executive order today to direct the CIA, with assistance from the FBI, NSA, and other members of the intelligence community, to begin wiretapping and providing additional surveillance of a new group of Americans felt to pose a threat in some way: paranoid schizophrenics.

The EO authorizes a number of “surveillance measures” for these individuals in addition to wiretapping their phones. Agents will be apparently allowed to follow their targets around using tinted Range Rovers and silent black helicopters. “Surveillance” will also include altering events around the target to make them believe they have some sort of super or “God-like” powers.

Additionally, in an unprecedented expansion of authority, the CIA will now even be authorized to communicate surreptitiously, yet directly, with their targets. One strategy, released last night to the Washington Post, will be to selectively edit TV shows and commercials to speak directly to those under surveillance utilizing the target’s actual name and other identifying information. Also, as the “circumstances warrant,” agents will be allowed to direct their target to engage in odd behaviors, such as dancing naked in public, in order to “prove their loyalty.”

Sean Spicer justified the action in his daily news conference with the following statement: “We feel this order makes sense based on national security, or something. Yeah, that makes lots of sense. I probably should actually read the order, but what do I know….tap, tap… Is this thing on”? Notably, he did not present any evidence to back up his claims.

The American College of Psychiatrists has come out strongly against this proposal. Their spokesman released the following bluntly-worded statement:

“WTF??? Not only is this policy evil and inhumane, but psychiatrists have enough to worry about already. How are we supposed to deal with the possibility that a paranoid schizophrenic patient with a diagnosis of acute psychosis could actually be TELLING THE TRUTH”?

Inquiries to the White House for further comment were met with evil cackling and hysterical laughter.


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