Hospital Administrator hires Mafia….er.. ”Capitalists” to “Create Business” for Struggling Trauma Service


Passaic, NJ – Facing record budget shortfalls after years of declining revenues, administrators at newly renamed Medical Achievement Frontiers In America (MAFIA) Hospital in Passaic, NJ recently inked an unusual deal with a “Local Social Entertainment Concern” (LSEC) in an attempt to increase cash flow.

“Despite passage of the Affordable Care Act,” the administration spokesmen explained, “trauma services all over the USA have been burdened by declining reimbursements from insurance companies, increasing uncompensated and charity care, and a general decline in attempted homicides, car accidents, stabbings, and trauma in general. We looked at many ways to make up this revenue and we found that the optimal way to increase our bottom line would be to ‘drive up demand for our trauma services.’ We were subsequently approached by some kind local businessmen with whom we worked out a deal that has become mutually beneficial.”

In particular, administrators have complemented Vinny and Guido, two representatives from LSEC’s “Jersey Muscle” division, as having come through in a big way to make this project a success.

“Our methods are unique but effective,” Guido explained, “we initiate an encounter with our randomly selected clients in high insurance locales. Typically we initiate this meeting in a dark alley or back room of a restaurant, and then we spend a bit of time ‘discussing our services in a hands-on manner’ with them. Some of our clients agree to make a one-time payment to purchase our “light duty plan.” For others who decline option #1, we then make them a more aggressive counteroffer they can’t possibly refuse. We find that after this second negotiation, there is a 100% acceptance of our terms. Bada boom, bada bing…’s ‘capitalism,’ capiche”?

After this encounter, the LSEC then makes arrangements to have their new clients transported preferentially to MAFIA’s ED for their newly necessary trauma care.

A critic of the initiative has pointed out that much of this trauma ends up being minor orthopedic issues such as broken thumbs, busted kneecaps, and foot abrasions incurred from placement and subsequent removal of cement shoes. Many of these problems get seen by the ED physician only and then discharged; these visits don’t usually involve the trauma service. However, this same critic told us today that despite his prior assertions to the contrary, “I think the deal is great – there is no problem at all. When did I say I had a problem [nervous laugh]?”


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