Albuquerque, NM – Taking a cue from the NFL and other money-hungry sports institutions, AT&T Hospital Systems in Albuquerque, NM has debuted a new system that allows outside companies to advertise during all stages of the patient encounter. To maximize revenue, they have even taken the step of broadcasting the encounter on local radio, in a HIPAA-compliant fashion, of course. After years of budget cuts, pennies on the dollar reimbursement by Medicaid, and after suffering the negative financial effects of other penurious payors, the influx of advertising dollars has been a welcome windfall for this cash-strapped institution.
“We are excited about these partnership opportunities,” commented AT&T Hospital Systems CEO, Roger Samsung (formerly Roger Davidson), “By selling the naming rights to various actions and locations within the hospital encounter, we have laid the groundwork for financial success, thanks, of course, to our corporate champions.”
A recent example of this system in action is below. Patient “DW” presented with a STEMI to AT&T’s main ED and the whole encounter was broadcast on local FM station, Z-98.7:
65 year old female DW presented to the Toyota of Santa Fe ED triage room with a chief complaint of chest pain. She had her triage exam and then her “Teva Pharmaceuticals Vital Signs” were then taken. These signs were normal, with a temperature of 98.7 orally.
At this time, we are proud to announce the first 98.7 degree temperature of the night. Anyone who calls in during Z-98.7’s morning show tomorrow and can state the initials of the patient with this temperature will receive a $10 Starbucks gift certificate.
Ms. DW was then placed on a gurney, RN-driven by Jim Davis Nissan, and wheeled back to room #3 and she was given an aspirin: that’s Bayer Aspirin, 3-times as powerful as the leading competitor’s aspirin. An EKG was done, thanks to our friends at General Electric, and it was interpreted as concerning for an MI….brought to you by MI homes whose slogan is “Sick is a 2 letter word, M-I.”
At that point, a “McKesson Cath lab-STEMI-Power Play” was initiated as the physician evaluation took place. The physician, part of whose salary was was brought to you by the New Mexico State Lottery, ascertained that she had chest pain radiating to the arm. She was sweaty, nauseous, and short of breath.
And to combat diaphoresis and sweatiness, we recommend Right Guard Sport Stick. “Right Guard Sport Stick: Anything less would be non-sterile.”
A call was placed to the Microsoft Cath Lab. Cardiologist Dr. Rick “Eliquis” Martinez agreed to take the patient directly upstairs for a catheterization. A Boston Scientific VeriFLEX stent, the “King of Bare Metal Stents,” was then inserted. Patient was then admitted to the 6th floor “Diet Dr. Pepper” CCU, brought to you by Coca-Cola products. And as the 8th admission of the night, 8 lucky Z-98.7 listeners chosen at random will be rewarded with a free smoothie at Smoothie King.
Early indications are that this new system has been a complete success. Sizeable eight-figure bonuses will soon be going out to all hospital administrators with massive layoffs planned for everyone else.