Charleston, WV – Mildred Singleton, a completely healthy 91-year-old chain-smoking grandmother of eight, is being hailed as proof that preventative medicine is a hoax. Mrs. Singleton has smoked 2-3 packs a day of cigarettes and cigars since age 15, drinks 3-5 shots of whiskey a day, doesn’t exercise, and for her whole life she has eaten whatever she wants, whenever she wants. Despite engaging in these behaviors that modern medicine has deemed unhealthy, Mrs. Singleton is still going strong at her age, is taking no medication, and has absolutely no known medical problems to speak of.
Acknowledging Mrs. Singleton’s surprising longevity, the “Collaboration for Concerned Care Professionals”, or “CCCP,” has been running an a multimedia campaign featuring Mrs. Singleton to argue, in their opinion, that modern preventative medicine does not provide any benefit whatsoever and should be abandoned entirely for everybody. A spokesman for the organization, Michael Thompson commented, “We spend more per capita on medical care in this country than the next 7 countries combined with worse outcomes. Obviously something is wrong. When hard working Americans like Mrs. Singleton can ignore all of the ‘rules’ set forth by the medical establishment and still be healthy at her age it is obvious that everyone should just eat, drink, smoke, and be sedentary to their…uh…heart’s content.”
The medical establishment has responded harshly to these views. AMA President Steven Stack replied, “Mr. Thompson’s pro-unhealthy behavior agenda ignores the opinion of 99.9% of medical scientists and a robust peer-reviewed body of evidence that finds preventative medicine key to improving life quality and duration. Frankly, anyone who listens to this idiot is using his words to justify what they want to do anyway. I mean, just because one person is still going strong despite ignoring medical advice isn’t a reason to scrap the whole system”!
Thanks to CCCP’s ad campaign, partially funded by Philip Morris and Jack Daniels, there have been pockets of families around the country who are purposely smoking, drinking to excess, not exercising, and not seeing their primary care doctor for regular checkups. One of these families is Mrs Singleton’s own. One of her great-granddaughters, Madeline, 11, agreed to comment for this article:
“So, like, if ‘Gram-gram’ can live to be, like, 91 while doing all that, then, you know, I should, um, be just like her. So I am, um, like, gonna start smoking and drinking and stuff.”
Meanwhile Mildred is living life to the fullest. Tonight she plans to head to a square dance and then she plans to spend the rest of the night getting toasted at the local bar.