Professional boxer, high-life scumbag, and currently the world’s highest paid professional athlete, Mr. Floyd Joe Sinclair, aka Floyd Mayweather, Jr, was victorious Saturday, May 2, in a major bout against a hapless opponent. While another fight later that day against a veteran trained male boxer may have garnered more media hype, the “Rumble in the Kitchen” battle between Mr. Mayweather and his girlfriend, Ms. Doralie Medina, was a spectacular display of Mr. Mayweather’s unorthodox fighting style when matched up against a lesser opponent. In truth, this battle had been foretold for years based on past similar “victories” over other overmatched female opponents.
The tale of the tape foretold a mismatch from the start. Standing at 5’8″ and 150lbs, and sporting a career record of 9-0 against other women, Mr Mayweather was heavily favored. In addition, Mr. Mayweather is 47-0 against other trained boxers and is the current holder of belts from 3 different boxing organizations and 4 different weight classes. His opponent, Ms. Medina, rang in at 5’6″ and 115 lbs, was 0-0, had no boxing training, and was making her debut against this brawny athletic specimen.
The fight was short and physically damaging for Ms. Medina. Mr. Mayweather began by throwing haymakers with both arms, began choking her, and threw her forefully against the wall several times. Mr. Mayweather KO’d Ms. Medina in record time – in only 1 minute, 15 seconds. All three judges deemed it total domination.
The physical traumatic effects on Mr. Mayweather’s opponent were as follows: Ms. Medina suffered multiple facial fractures, a broken nose, a broken left arm, several facial lacerations, a swollen ear that needed to be drained, and a concussion. She had no official comment at this time about a rematch. However, Mr. Mayweather reportedly was offering one of his 16 Rolls Royces and a check for $2M to stick around for bout #2.
For Mr. Mayweather, it was another opportunity to achieve notoriety. In interviews after the fight, Mr. Mayweather responded that “there were no pictures” and “I was restraining women who were on drugs,” before he walked out of all interviews. Rachel Nichols, a prominent female sportscaster known to ask tough questions, tried to interview Mr. Mayweather further, but approval of her press credential was deemed contingent on her fighting Mr. Mayweather in his next bout. She declined.
In terms of the legal system, Mr. Mayweather’s high-priced lawyers were in talks with the DA. In the past, Mr. Mayweather was mostly spared significant jail time based on surprise recanting of testimony by his accusers and acknowledgements by certain judges that he could remain above the law in exchange for helping out the local economy.
*Writer’s Note (not satire): This controversial article is meant to be satire. The events regarding Mr. Mayweather and his real-life current girlfriend, Ms. Medina, mentioned within did not actually happen. Also, I want to underscore that domestic violence is an extremely serious matter. As a practicing Emergency Physician, I see the effects wrought by serial abusers like Mr. Mayweather all the time. There is no excuse for our society to overlook or support this behavior, no matter who the perpetrator may be. I view this as an opportunity to use my small corner of the internet to bring attention to this topic in the best way that I know how (satire). On behalf of all women previously (and hopefully never soon-to-be) abused by Mr. Mayweather, my site will be donating $100 (the cost of the pay per view fight which I did not watch) to a women’s shelter. This money will be donated as part of the site’s charity policy as I have had recent Gomerblog posts as well (including today).
**Also, I should note that the legal system has deemed many of the claims against Mr. Mayweather to be only allegations. I would encourage you to read some of the hyperlinked articles above (especially in the last paragraph) for the real stories behind these allegations.