Washington, DC – President Obama, in a fighting mood after his popular “Luther” sketch at the White House Correspondents Dinner, gave a confrontational speech at the East Room earlier today placing a brand new target in his crosshairs: anti-vaxxers. In the speech, Obama announced a new government policy, which is designed to be simple and direct. The new policy: No Vaccines=No Narcotics.
“We found that anti-vaxxers don’t really understand nuance and suggestion,” stated the President in front of a crowd of scientists, media, and supporters, “We have tried shaming them, ridiculing them, and not allowing their unvaccinated kids into school. However, nothing is apparently working to get this concept through their thick skulls.”
“So we are hitting what we are calling the ‘anti-vaxx nuclear option.’ Starting next week, I have asked the DEA and the CDC to work together to compel this anti-intelligence crowd to act in a manner that will protect themselves, their children, and America. This new policy states, unequivocally, that any person who cannot prove they and their kids (if applicable) are vaccinated against certain diseases will be placed on a list to be denied narcotics. This list will complement lists maintained by state narcotics databases. Of course, there will be exceptions, but these will be available ONLY for documented health reasons and true allergies. No other exemptions, for religious reasons, personal reasons, or just being an idiot will be accepted.”
“I want to make this clear. This means absolutely no Percocet. Vicodin? Nope. Norco? Nada. This means as well that there will be no Dilaudid for you. You want your Morphine or Fentanyl? Ha, try again! You think you can even get Tramadol? Absolutely not! If you are in pain, I hope for your sake you can take Tylenol, Motrin, or Toradol and that these meds will work on your pain or else you’re f@*ked.”
“I will further clarify. These rules will apply in all medical environments. This means EDs, Urgent Cares, PCPs, offices, surgery centers, abortion clinics, anti-abortion clinics, and even ‘backdoor street clinics.’ That’s right. Just to drive the point home, we’ve even partnered with heroin dealers and pill vendors on the street. Even drug traffickers like Q-ball and Z-Money agree: not vaccinating is only for morons.”
“Finally, I want to emphasize my point once again. S**t’s about to hit the fan for you anti-vaxxing scum. If you want your candy, you will get you and your kids vaccinated. Or else you might as well get on a boat and get your ass shipped to China. In conclusion: anti-vaxxers…..F@@k You”!
[Obama Drops Mic…….Walks off Stage]
In response, anti-vaccine champion Dr. Andrew Wakefield had the following retort, with his jaw apparently wide open: “S**t just got real, man.”