In a stunning technological development, Next Generation Robotics has unveiled a prototype of the Medical Trifunction Recorder (aka Tricorder), based on a similar device in Star Trek, that stands to remake medicine as we know it. The Tricorder is a device that with the push of a button, will scan a patient’s body, immediately detect the problem, and most of the time, can fix it immediately. It is such a powerful tool that its impending availability will render all known diagnostic medicine, and eventually therapeutic medicine, useless.
In a related announcement, many US health care workers will find themselves out of work starting next month. Practitioners who make their living in diagnosis, such as radiologists, pathologists, and many emergency physicians are set to be fired immediately. Some will be kept around to perform procedures and discuss treatment options. Luckily, the makers of the Tricorder have offered any health care professional the ability to be retrained in the use of the device.
“It is logical to revolutionize medicine through advanced technology,” commented Next Gen Robotics Vulcan spokeswoman, T’Pi Johnson, “Thanks to this invention, we foresee that all of humanity will now be able to live long and prosper. Except for doctors and nurses…. they’re f@*$ing hosed.”
In addition to the medical implications of this breakthrough discovery, a number of unexpected benefits are expected to be realized for society. Thanks to all the money saved by not having to pay doctors and nurses, the Congressional Budget Office is now predicting the national deficit will be reduced by at least $500 billion dollars per year.
In another unpredictable outcome of the invention of the Tricorder, the anti-vax community has declared victory, since all illness is now treatable. Antivaxxers are ecstatic that their unique brand of scientific theories are now apparently vindicated. Anti-vax spokesidiot, Jenny McCarthy, could not be reached for comment as she was busy getting botox injections at her local salon.