Harvard-trained economist-turned-drug-seeker Maximilian Poindexter, following in the footsteps of famous dataheads Billy Beane and Nate Silver, has developed a patented system designed to maximize his chances of scoring as many narcs as possible when going to local EDs, clinics, and urgent cares. Using years of data on each clinic, its policies, and its medical practitioners, Mr. Poindexter has created a data-driven method to determine the best time, place, and method for obtaining his big score. The system, called PERCOCET (Pretty Excellent Rule Comparing Opiate-Conveying-EPs’ Tendencies) has the chance of redefining the way drug seeking is done.
“The system is a database painstakingly created over years of trial and error. For each encounter, I documented the date and time, the physician I saw, the shift times of the physician (which I was frequently able to photograph on the way to the bathroom), the number of pills or IV meds I received, and the strategy I used to try and get the drugs (friendly, sneaky, combative, malingering concerning symptoms, etc.). I inputed these data into a spreadsheet and ran some advanced calculations.”
“In the PERCOCET system, those requesting pain meds are known as “DILAUDIDs” (Drugseekers Imitating Legitimate Agony Utilizing Deception Involving Drugs). When a DILAUDID enters the ED, they must follow certain rules to maximizing their attempt to get their meds.”
“Additionally, I defined a certain set of characteristics for measuring physician prescribing habits. The average doctor gives 8.3 opiate pain pills for back pain. The NDAR system (Narcs distributed against replacement) is applied to each physician. I determined each physician’s NDAR to determine the best way to get some meds”
Mr. Poindexter would not go into further detail about the system, claiming much of the system is proprietary. However, he did leave the following advice:
“If a DILAUDID wants to get a ‘SCORE (Successful Chance, Opiate Receiving Encounter),’ you have an average NDAR of 166% if you go to General Hospital at 11PM when Dr. Owens is working. In terms of strategy, I would recommend malingering concerning symptoms and then accepting what you are given.
*Note a previous rough draft of this article was sent out prematurely by mistake