Nurses at DOA Hospital ED are furious with charge nurse and assignment coordinator Liz Leonsis after finding out that she has been purposefully assigning patients with shingles to nurses whom she suspects of being pregnant. Last year, she uncovered at least 6 early pregnancies while before the nurse was comfortable announcing them. It is well known that those who contract the highly contagious disease while pregnant are at risk of severe birth defects, and other complications, and are told to avoid others who may have this disease.
GET VACCINATED NOW
I guess this doesn’t apply if you have already been vaccinated……..
Washington, DC – President Obama, in a fighting mood after his popular “Luther” sketch at the White House Correspondents Dinner, gave a confrontational speech at the East Room earlier today placing a brand new target in his crosshairs: anti-vaxxers. In the speech, Obama announced a new government policy, which is designed to be simple and direct. The new policy: No Vaccines=No Narcotics.
The “Immunizations Must Be Evil Considering I Loathe Evidence” study group, aka IMBECILE, a mouthpiece for the anti-vaccination movement, has debuted a new set of guidelines meant to help consumers better categorize and understand the growing body of information available regarding the safety, or lack thereof, of vaccines.
“One of the major hurdles holding back our movement has been the lack of a standardized way for concerned parents to interpret the vast amounts of information available on the topic,” commented anti-vaccine champion and IMBECILE spokesman, Dr. Andrew Wakefield, “We looked at all forms of information categorization out here for this topic and we noticed that when other societies release their guidelines, they typically include a table outlining the quality of their evidence. Frequently, they will use categories like level 1a, level 2b recommendations, etc. In response, we have released our own guidelines on how to interpret information that mirror this format.”
IMBECILE’s recommendations are as follows. Reminder: Information quality degrades progressively as you go from level A to level F:
Phoenix, AZ – WebMD, an internet-based medical lexicon, recently expanded into the online kiosk business, opened up a station in a suburban mall in Tempe, AZ, with three prototype stand-alone computers running its website. The intention was to advertise its service to potential customers for its upcoming paid subscription service. However, in a manifestation of the law of unintended consequences, an adjacent urgent care, run by Simians Urgent Care, discovered that their volume immediately doubled thanks to the run of worried well that came knocking on their doors.
In a stunning technological development, Next Generation Robotics has unveiled a prototype of the Medical Trifunction Recorder (aka Tricorder), based on a similar device in Star Trek, that stands to remake medicine as we know it. The Tricorder is a device that with the push of a button, will scan a patient’s body, immediately detect the problem, and most of the time, can fix it immediately. It is such a powerful tool that its impending availability will render all known diagnostic medicine, and eventually therapeutic medicine, useless.
Harvard-trained economist-turned-drug-seeker Maximilian Poindexter, following in the footsteps of famous dataheads Billy Beane and Nate Silver, has developed a patented system designed to maximize his chances of scoring as many narcs as possible when going to local EDs, clinics, and urgent cares. Using years of data on each clinic, its policies, and its medical practitioners, Mr. Poindexter has created a data-driven method to determine the best time, place, and method for obtaining his big score. The system, called PERCOCET (Pretty Excellent Rule Comparing Opiate-Conveying-EPs’ Tendencies) has the chance of redefining the way drug seeking is done.
New ATLS-certified (not really) “Pan Scan Everyone” Blunt Trauma Algorithm
“Pan Scan Everyone” Blunt Trauma Algorithm
“Pan Scan Everyone” Blunt Trauma Algorithm (PDF)