Dick Vitale Stable After Impalement by NCAA Tournament Bracket

Ninja NCAA bracket

Baltimore, MD – Surgeons and Emergency Physicians at Shock Trauma worked through the night to repair 32 penetrating chest and abdominal wounds suffered by ebullient sportscaster and catch phrase enthusiast Dick Vitale, 75, after he was impaled by a masked assailant wielding a metallic, sharpened, 32-point NCAA men’s tournament hemi-bracket. Luckily, the attack appeared to have missed vital organs and doctors are confident he will make a full and complete recovery.

Trauma surgeons have been warning the public for some time that assailants wielding these crude impalement devices can inflict significant morbidity on their victims. They have also cautioned that these wounds are incredibly difficult and time-consuming to close. One surgeon commented, “Half of each of these brackets contains 32 points. If you count the NCAA first round, you would have another 4, but really, no one cares about the first round anyway, so that’s 32 points which means possibly 32 wounds to close per stabbing. Occasionally, we have even seen a ‘Darth-mauling’ where both sides of the full 64-point bracket are used and those are a real b#&@h to close.”

Staffers in the ED at Shock Trauma haven’t stopped talking about Dick Vitale’s unique personality. A short non-HIPPA-compliant voice recording was made during initial laceration repair attempts and anonymously leaked to the media. The transcript is below:

[Mr. Vitale]: “Dr. Lawrence takes the suture…..he pull the wound together and….Boom! He NAILS THE STITCH! He put those edges back together, ba-by! He’s the ‘Masta of da Fascia’! This doc is un-be-LEEEEV-a-BULLLLL! Give this man a raise, ba-by”!

According to an anonymous source, after listening to Mr. Vitale talk like this nonstop for about 15 minutes, surgeons decided to take him to the OR with general anesthesia.

Finally, the NCAA released the following statement on the incident through their press office: “Filling out NCAA brackets is a time for enjoyment, camaraderie, and legalized gambling on the athletic prowess of unpaid young adults, not a time for hate-mongering and physical violence. We plead with you, wherever you are, please don’t weaponize your bracket.” As a public service to prevent future attacks and lift Mr. Vitale’s spirits, NCAA will show multiple ads touting its new “Achievement, not Impalement” campaign to run during this year’s Final Four.

*Note that this article is a repost, after edits, from several days ago


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